On Dysphoria


Photo by Rayne's Avante-Garde
Article By E.S. Wynn


I've never been a fan of the words "you don't understand what it's like," but there are times when I've wanted to say it. If you've never experienced gender dysphoria, it can be a really difficult concept to wrap your brain around. For most of the population (or so statistics seem to indicate) there is no feeling of dissonance between gender (how we see ourselves inside) and sex (what we were assigned at birth.) You’re either born male or female and the way you feel and see yourself in your mind’s eye is completely in alignment with that. You look in the mirror each day and see a person you recognize as you, as the you that you have always been, and you don’t generally find yourself daydreaming about a better life where your sex completely matches your gender. Gender dysphoria is an interesting thing to live with, and in this article, I’d like to try to help shed some light on the experience for those who are curious about what it is like.

To start, I’d like you to imagine something. Imagine what it would feel like if you woke up one day and everything in your life was the same as it is now except suddenly everyone saw you as if you were a different gender than you have been for your entire life. For example, if you are a heterosexual married man, imagine that you woke up to suddenly find yourself in a world where everyone else saw you as a lesbian female and would expect you to dress the part. Imagine the social pressure if you suddenly had to conform to western feminine beauty standards (plucking, concealer, leg shaving, etc.) but didn't feel like it. You go into work, and your boss expects you to wear a dress and makeup, to wear nail polish and shape your hairy (mannish) eyebrows into something more feminine, but that's never felt right to you. Imagine the dissonance you would feel with the world around you, imagine the constant cloud of little judgments that would follow you wherever you go because you don't fit in, and worse, people see it, even if you do everything you can to embrace the sex stereotypes that have been assigned to you. Now imagine dealing with that for your entire life, hiding and changing in little ways so that people don't judge as often, or as harshly.

That's a basic overview of my experience with dysphoria. For as far back as I can remember, I have felt uncomfortable adhering to the male ideal, resonating more with mothers, caretakers and female role models. In one of my earliest memories, age two or three, I remember arguing with my father and mother about it, asking them if they were absolutely certain I was a boy. To them, as parents in a small town in the 1980's, staring down at a naked toddler, the answer was laughably obvious, but to me, inside, I wasn't so sure. I didn't feel like a little boy, even that early on, and the feeling has continued and stuck with me for my entire life. The times when I have been the most comfortable in my body are the times when I have been able to look past the male and simply be who I am inside. In practical application, this has mostly taken the form of simple relaxing diversions (like playing video, paper or board games as a female character) but it has also manifested (as I have matured and become more secure in my identity) in more overt forms of expression, such as cross-dressing and choosing a more feminine name (or nickname) for myself. It’s actually the main reason I have always published under the moniker E.S. Wynn—it’s innately androgynous. It reflects the decision very early on in my career to avoid being tied down to one gender or another. When I chose it (in my early twenties,) I was still considering a complete transition from male to female, and wanted to minimize the effect such a transition would have on my career, if I was to make it.

I know that, in order to simplify my explanation of the experience of gender dysphoria, I’ve talked a lot about beauty standards and fashion stereotypes, but it is important to realize that this is just a simplification. Gender dysphoria is not short hand for “the urge some men have to wear lipstick and dresses.” Gender dysphoria is the ever present feeling that transgender people have that our inner selves, our soul or personality, or however you want to look at it, does not exactly match our outer selves. Sometimes this can express itself in the urge that some men have to wear lipstick and dresses (female fashions feminize to the outside eye, which can make it easier to feel at home in a male body) but that is not the only way it manifests. It’s a silly idea to think that all women wear dresses, or that a dress is needed to feel feminine. Gender dysphoria is simply a sense of unease and self-awareness centered on one’s own gender, but it can be very powerful, so powerful in fact, that it can lead to suicidal urges in some individuals. Those individuals who consider (or choose) suicide in response to a strong sense of gender dysphoria are not doing so simply because they feel they cannot wear the kind of clothing generally associated with the opposite sex. They do so because they feel a conflict between the person inside and the body outside, and they don’t know how to address it, live with it or fix it.

I hope this article has given you a greater understanding of what it is like to live with gender dysphoria. I’ll be talking more about my own experiences as a trans individual in future articles, (including techniques I’ve developed to help deal with dysphoria) so check back every Wednesday to learn more.

Do you have a story about your own experience with gender dysphoria that you’d be willing to share? Contact me about your idea (or send your experience so that it can be shared with the readers of this blog) through the contact form here: [link] Make sure you have javascript enabled or the form will just display a blank page. If you’d like to share your experiences living as a trans person (or with someone who identifies as trans) drop me a line through the aforementioned contact form. I’d love to hear from you, and I’d love to share your perspective with our readers. Thank you!


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Safe (And Scary) Trans People


Photo by Rayne's Avante-Garde
Article By E.S. Wynn


Even before I came out openly as trans, I found myself having to reassure people that nothing in my life was going to change, that I’ve been living as I am for my entire life and that I have no interest in transitioning to female. I had to soothe their fears and make them feel safe. I had to explain the differences between gender, sex and sexual preference, and every time I said something akin to “I’m transgender, not gay” or “I’m on the transgender spectrum, but I’m not transsexual,” I felt a bit like I was throwing someone else under the bus. I felt like by having to reassure people that even though I have chosen to identify as transgender while not choosing to transition or to pursue men, I have done them (and my greater LGBTQ+ community) a disservice. In identifying as transgender, I become a representative of the minority, in my own little tiny way, even if only just for one or two or ten people. I become a representative, and yet I’m set apart from the big scary unknown world of men who become women simply because I’m different from the people who choose to go further. I’m not a gay-club man in a wig screaming in the streets of Greenwich Village. I’m not modifying my body or demanding that people use different pronouns to refer to me. I’m a safe trans person. I’m tolerable because though I use the big scary “T-word” to identify, I’m not one of the “terrifying and weird” trans people.

That honestly pisses me off, because it shouldn’t matter how far I, or anyone else, wants or plans to go in pursuit of their identity. It shouldn’t be terrifying to interact with a trans person at all, regardless of how distant their lives are from the concept of “normal” established by conservative American ideals. I hate that people fear us, any of us. I hate the sighs of relief when people ask “does this mean you’re gay?” and I have to say “no,” and explain the differences between dysphoria and androphilia. I hate how conditional and fickle people can be when the question of “how transgender are you?” comes up. When someone asks me how far I plan to take “this transgender thing,” I am of two minds. My authentic feeling, my honest internal truth is that I don’t plan to take it any further than I already have. My rebellious side sees the blatant transphobia in the question “how often are you going to dress up?” and I want to grin and say “every day, constantly, even while I sleep” just to force them to face their fears. In reality, when I dress as a woman, I wear some very stereotypically masculine gear (battle jacket, combat boots, often pants, etc.) because the artistic expression of it is what makes me feel good. I don’t need special clothes to feel like a woman. It’s part of who I am. I’ve felt like a woman my entire life no matter where I am and how I’m dressed. When I pull on my full gear, (including wig and padded bra) I do it for the art of it. I do it for the aesthetic, and considering what a pain in the ass it is to pull together the full artistic outfit, I don’t see the point (for me) in doing it full time. It’s not practical. I have books and articles to write.

But you can bet your ass that I’m inclined to pull on full gear for every poetry reading I do of my book “Trans Physical Dynamics,” or for my upcoming book “Red Gender”. I’d do it for gigs too if I happen to find a punk band at some point that is looking for a trans vocalist, and also truly at any point if it can be used as a tool in a specific setting to reach a group of people and lessen the weight of judgment that is heaped on trans people of all types (especially the ones that aren’t “safe” like me.) The fear that is leveled at trans people is disgusting to me. No one should fear us, any of us, in any way, regardless of how we choose to express ourselves as transgender individuals. We’re just people, all of us, and the degree to which we conform to gender stereotypes should not be a measure of our worthiness, our reliability, our empathy, our intelligence or our moral character.


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Coming Out



Photos by Rayne's Avante-Garde
Article By E.S. Wynn


Happy Litha! It seemed appropriate to post this today, in the full sun of the longest day of the year. It’s also PRIDE month, which I think makes it even more appropriate.

It's taken me a lot of time to reach a place where I can openly admit that I am a transgender individual. As someone who has experienced gender dysphoria for my entire life, I fall within the spectrum. It's important for me to acknowledge this myself, and also for me to be open about it because of the limited (and sometimes mistaken) information about transgender people currently available for mainstream consumption. I really respect the bravery of people (including friends and family) who are transgender and who have chosen to transition socially and medically to the gender they identify with inside, but that is not the path for me, nor is it a universal reality for all people who live with gender dysphoria or who identify as trans.

Most of the time, when you see me in person, I won't be adhering to any kind of feminine beauty standards (meaning, I'll look like a guy. It's more practical for me anyway.) My relationship with Alex is healthy and happy, and she's known about my gender dysphoria since before we were even dating. We've talked about it extensively. Heck, she even took the photos and helped me with the makeup. I have no interest in transitioning medically, socially or legally. Pronouns matter very little to me. You can call me Ellie, Earl, brother, sister, dude, whatever. My soul is firmly female, but I've been living in a male body for thirty-three years now and I've gotten used to it. It has its advantages.

For the most part, nothing will change, except that I'm finally being open now about something I've kept hidden from almost everyone for my entire life. Being open about it is a necessary step for me in feeling more comfortable with and accepting myself just as I already am instead of living under an armor of cultivated masculine traits that keep me on edge whenever I'm in public. I plan to write a series of articles on my experiences as a trans person (I actually have several here already) and hope to do interviews of other trans people who are open to sharing their experiences as well. I want to talk about gender dysphoria and help increase awareness, visibility and understanding so that those who are weirded out by trans people (or the transgender label,) because of bad information (or a lack of information) can see that we're not weird or scary at all. We're just people as ordinary and unique as anyone else.


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